Life is beautiful, but it's complicated

I've been sitting here a long time trying to think of an opener to write. And nothing is coming to mind. Let's just say reality has hit me tonight and I'm laying on the floor crying and asking God to just hold me. the reality of the Lyme treatment that I will be starting around August. I hate talking about it. I hate when people say, "oh it's the best for you" "you'll feel so much better after it's over" "you'll be glad you did it after it's over." WELL YOU'RE NOT GOING THROUGH IT!!!! I'm not just scared I am terrified. I have never been so scared like I am for this. I've just been saying "oh ya I am doing to treatment." I guess it never sank in that I was actually doing it. Some people said, "well do you even have Lyme?" I have dad 3 Lyme tests done and they were all positive. My symptoms of Chronic Lyme Disease: I have a nerve condition know as Reflex Sympathtic Dystrophy (RSD) also know as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). I also have a stomach condition caused by the nerve not doing their job. In this case not moving the food through my stomach, which is called Gastroparesis. (GP) Because all these nerves are misfiring I have tics (motor) and seizures. Reflex Sypathetic Dystrophy: My RSD hasn't been to bad. Except I have been getting this horrible vein pain in spurts through out my body. When it reaches my head it is unbearable and so excruciating. I scream and cry. It's like knives and fire all on and in my head. I have had some toe and foot cramping but not as bad as were I need my physical therapist to come. Gastrparesis: My GP has been ok. I have good and bad days. I try and eat the right foods. Not greasy, spicy, salty, fatty food. However sometimes I splurge and that's when it gets bad. I have been using my J-tube for the time I have one appetite (because of the medication.) I have a lot of stomach pain. And my granulation tissue is pretty bad and is what give me the most pain. Tics: My tics have been interesting. I have seen a pattern sometimes in them. For example I had some tics and then a few later I had a seizure. I think it may be another aura type thing to give me a heads up when one is coming on. I have 3 tics now. The first one is a shoulder shrug thing. My shoulder and stomach muscle tense up. The other one is a head thing. It kinda just looks like I'm cracking my neck or stretching it. Which is easy to hide. The other one is painful. It is when my neck tenses to the side and my hand scrunch. Seizures: My seizures have been frequent but shorter. I have started Trileptal which I don't know if it has helped yet, but possibly is making them shorter. I am still taking the full dose of Lamictal. Although it hasn't helped my seizures it has helped my swallowing significantly. I still can feel when I seizure is coming on. I get extremely embaressed which I probably have already said. Decisions: I have so many decisions on my mind. From the littlest things to big things. I really don't want to go to prom. My friends are pushing me to go. They want me to go. I'm not that kind of person. And last year I jus sat there and like that was fine with me but why can't I get dressed up and sit at home. I don't like to dance. I like to get all dressed up but not really dance. People keep saying "it's your senior prom, you'll regret it if you don't go" to be honest I'll regret a lot of things and I doubt this will be a big deal. The other is graduation. I feel like I am being rushed into something I am not ready for. Not speaking of graduation itself but the certain people. College: I have decided I do not want to go to paramedic school. I really thought I wanted to do something in the medical field but I am not sure if that is what God is calling me to do. I know he wants me to do missionary work. But I am not sure how much schooling I will be able to handle during treatment and what not so I will have to decide during that time. I was thinking doing foriegn languages and then doing missions. So that's pretty much all that's going on. Love Always, Kari