I am so excited I can't stop smiling. I have found a place to live!! Whoo. I bought furniture and I am moving in in 2 weeks! It's this tiny 1 bedroom condo in Melbourne. The cutest little neighborhood if you wana call it that. It is very close to the college. I'm so excited.
Dont you love the tile!!!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Oh boy. Ok I have decided not to do the Lyme treatment again. I'm graduating high school and I want to start a new chapter in my life. I can do the treatment later down in life. I have not told my mom yet. When she hears shell probably be mad making her spend all this money. So maybe it would be a good thing for her to read this so I would have to face her. Not sure how I'm going to tell her but I should do it soon. I've decided to work, go to BCC, and move out. I'm tired of living at home. There is just so much drama and crap, and I just want to move on. Not sure what I'm going to study. I actually think I might do early childhood education. I could use that in the mission field. And everyone keeps telling me how great of a teacher I'll be. So y not. Sorry I keep changing my mind uh it's frustrating. But I think I want to be a kindergarten teacher. Well those are my plans so far. I'll be trying to find a job around town and try n find a room mate and move out. I have no more seizures. Thank goodness. Still not allowed to drive till the end of June. Had fun with my aunts. I haven't laughed in a long time. We had a good time. I graduate Saturday. Can't wait.
Posted by Kari at 1:12 PM
Thursday, May 3, 2012
April 29, 2012 I am writing this on my itouch tonight. It's tiny. It's almost like texting this all onto the blog. Anyway I clean my whole room on Saturday. I hadn't cleaned it in a month and I was sick of it myself. So suik that I took over my brothers room and his bathroom. But now my room is so beautiful. I hope I can just keep it that way until my aunts come down in 2 weeks. I know I'm not but I just have been feeling like I've been a burden to people. I know it's just Satan talking to me but I don't know. I have a bunch of people that say I'm not. But today in church I just felt like if I wasn't there I wouldn't have distracted people during the service. Or if I wasn't there people could carry on there conversations without having to make sure I don't fall all the time. Do you see what I mean from my side? I know people say they don't mind but it's gonna take me a while to get used to people seeing me have seizures and falling all the time. Hope that sentence wasn't to confusing. I had a bad day on Friday. Well it started out great. Some girls in my class made me cupcakes and brownies and cookies. The cupcakes said "hope your finger feels better." That was so sweet of them and that jus made the day more positive. I went to food science. I got all my courage up to talk to the girls in the group but dang nabit, stupid seizures. Now I have to do it tomorrow. Went to lunch and woke up on the grass. (we were sitting in the grass so not big deal. I hope people thought I was getting a tan.) Then me and my friend were walking to my next class and Boom. There Kari goes! Right in the middle to the hall way. Talk about embarrassing! Ya so anyway, back to church today. Well I had some during the sermon. I hope the people just thought I was deep in prayer or really reading my Bible. Had some in the lobby. And some during Sunday school. I tried to hold them back. It's just that when I hold them back I cant talk or sing or see or think. There's so much pain. And it's exhausting but I'm not passed out. So most times I just give into it cuz I can't hold it in anymore. I hate it when there coming cause I just hate the darkness they bring. I come out of it and it's like a relief and the words "sorry" just come out of my mouth with me not even knowing it. I don't seem to apologize as much. There's nothing I can do about it so... Why do it? Well looks like I'm at the end. Love always, Kari Mat 3, 2010 I hate that moment when suddenly my anger turns into tears. I just keep telling myself "there just stupid kids" Well I don't know sticks and stone break your bones but words can never hurt me. Not sure how true that is. My mom keeps telling me "just 10 more days and then it's over" but still. I hear them whispering I see them stare. It hurt ok. Today hasn't been good. I try and hold them back as much as I can at school but it's exhausting and sometimes I can't hold it and give up. These ones I e had yesterday and today have felt like I have been flying in darkness. I guess that's better than just standing in darkness and I e always wanted to fly. I have very bad vertigo today and keep loosing my balance. I just feel like the ground is all squiggly and is going up and down like up and down a hill. Something you would see in a kids movie. My body is so out of controland I can't stop it. I don't know if I've mentioned it but I have decided not to do to prom. :( my brother is here but is away for the night. I'll see him tomorrow. My aunts are coming next weekend. I'm excited but very upset that I can't go swimming. The week after that is my graduation. Whoo! Till next time... Love always, Kari
Posted by Kari at 2:24 PM
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Oh boy... Well I thought today would be a more positive day. I went to sewing. I had to seam rip out the whole piece because I sewed the top and not the bottom. Then my stupid machine kept beeping and I was getting frustrated. This girl in my class had to come help me and I just felt like I always have to have someone to help me. She fixed the problem and I went on sewing. I was sewing the pocket onto the bag. I moved the fabric over a tad bit and just burst into a scream and them a cry. The scream was from the needle going into my finger but the cry was from all my emotions just building up and this just made it all that much worse. Ya it hurt but it wasn't the worst pain I've felt in my life. The teacher freaked called the nurse and 911. Why do they always have to fuss over me. I'm so tried of all this. The nurse came. I'm sorry I have a hard time with her. She just kept saying "well at least it didn't go through your nail." I'm like lady you are not helping. The lady panics. She does not make a good nurse. Your suppose to be calm in the medical field. My mom says just 3 more weeks then I don't have to worry about her. The rest of the day was crappy. Had seizures you know the deal. Some kids were messing with me in one of my classes. It really hurts a person when you whisper and laugh when you don't even know what that person is going through. I don't know I feel like I. Going through a hard patch right now. It's hard for me to get my motions in order. I can't seem to pick up my strength and smile and say it's ok. I'm exhausted and through I am leaning on God, it's hard to see where this is taking me. I've been crying in every class. I have pain all through out my body. Pain nobody can ever imagine. Seizure that interrupt my thinking and school work during class. Then I loose the information during that time and do bad on the tests. It's hard for me to even find a smile. I probably rambling on about something nobodymwants to read. So I'll just go... Love always, Kari
Posted by Kari at 5:25 PM
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
These past couple of days I've felt so alone. I feel like I'm loosing my strength and becoming weak. Every little thing just sets me off till I'm in tears. Today has been really really bad. I called my mom to come pick me up because I just lost it and had to leave class. I've become so exhausted and I'm tired of keeping it together all the time. It's hard to put a smile on everyday and make people believe your doing ok. I've been doing that for years I'm over it. Do we always have to be strong?...
Posted by Kari at 10:54 AM
Monday, April 23, 2012
Don’t know where to begin; it’s like my worlds caving in. And I try but I can’t control my fears. Where do I go from here? Don’t be mad if I cry, it just hurts so bad sometimes. It’s hard to tell if my eyes are open when all I see is dark. It’s easy my loose my step. There is no fight left on the inside. I’ve given up trying. I’m giving all to You. Maybe the reason for the pain is that we will pray for strength. And maybe the reason for the strength is so we would not loose hope. And maybe the reason for our hope is so that we could face the world. And the reason for the world… is to make us long for Home. No weeping no hurt or pains, no suffering You hold me now. No darkness, no sick or lame, no hiding You hold me now. Do you wonder why you have to feel the thing that hurt you. If there’s a God that loves you where is he now? Well maybe there are thing you can’t see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending someday somehow you’ll see. I try to be so tough, but I’m just not strong enough. I can’t do this alone God I need You to hold on to me. You are stronger, You are stronger. Sin is broken You have saved me. It is written Christ is risen. Jesus You are Lord of all. There will be a day with no more tears no more pain, no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more we’ll see Jesus face to face, but until that day we’ll hold on to You always. It’s out of my hands. It was from the start. He is with you in the ICU when the doctors don’t know what to do and it scares you to the core, He is with you. Don’t give up. Hold on for one more day. I’m waiting on a miracle. I’m for Your Spirit to come. I heard the news today. It came out of nowhere. Wish I could run away but where would I go? Is this my destiny? Something so unfair. What will become of me? God only knows. They say the road to head might lead us through back through hell. I was sure by now, God you would have reached down and my tears away, stepped in and saved the day. I’ll praise you in this storm. You have never left my side. My strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can’t find You? You must think I’m strong, to give me what I’m going through. But forgive if I’m wrong, but this looks like more than I can do, on my own. I know I’m not strong enough to be everything that I am supposed to be. I give up I’m not strong enough. Lord I am asking you to be strong enough. I’m so glad that your hear Lord. I’m restless till I rest in You, oh God
Posted by Kari at 6:50 PM
Sunday, April 22, 2012
No one has ever called me this but they minds well. Today has been a bad day and I'm having a hard time handling things right now. And might I say it's only 1:30pm. There is still more day to come. You think God would prevent me from having seizures in his house of worship, but maybe he has something else in mind. It's not like I'm giving up on him, I want to trust him and believe that he has a plan but I just can't see it. I can pretty much keep it together and be strong. Someone today told be I don't have to be strong everyday. That hit me. Today I guess is one of those days. I know I talk a lot about what has happened with details but today I just feel all I need to say is I had a bad morning. However something did happen that I with specify (in a second.) First, God has put this verse on my heart for a while, James 5:14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. I read it a few weeks ago, and just said how I don't like that verse. In my opinion it's ok for one person to pray over me but I don't like everybody crowding me. And I don't like when they say "well if it didn't work, than it's because you didn't believe." I found myself reading and having people telling me about this verse a lot in the past few days. I read my devotions and it had this verse as a reference to what I was reading. You know when you keep hearing a verse that usually means God really wants you to understand it and do it. I was still really unsure about it though. Today I was anointed with oil and prayed over. I think to live by the Bible and do what it says. Is Satan trying to tell me not to do this or that's the reason I really don't like it? I am really having a hard time understanding it and how do I say it, believing that. Yes I believe God can heal if you pray. But if you really don't believe could it not happen? And if it you think it's working right away, but it's not? I don't know. It's just I have a hard time with this. Something else that happened today. I can't hear anything while I am having a seizure. It is like I am in a dream that is black and dark and silent. And I can't move. I'm kinda like just standing there. Or I'll be in a familiar place just standing there. Like sometimes I'll be in my friend's basement. But today while I was in that darkness I heard the name Jesus being repeated over and over again. "Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus." While I was in that darkness it was like I was reminded that Jesus was and is with me. I was talking to my friend, and telling her that if I never get healed I will praise Him no matter what. I will praise Him with this illness, and wait for Him to return.
Posted by Kari at 11:00 AM