Thursday, May 3, 2012

2 posts in 1

April 29, 2012 I am writing this on my itouch tonight. It's tiny. It's almost like texting this all onto the blog. Anyway I clean my whole room on Saturday. I hadn't cleaned it in a month and I was sick of it myself. So suik that I took over my brothers room and his bathroom.  But now my room is so beautiful. I hope I can just keep it that way until my aunts come down in 2 weeks. I know I'm not but I just have been feeling like I've been a burden to people. I know it's just Satan talking to me but I don't know. I have a bunch of people that say I'm not. But today in church I just felt like if I wasn't there I wouldn't have distracted people during the service. Or if I wasn't there people could carry on there conversations without having to make sure I don't fall all the time. Do you see what I mean from my side? I know people say they don't mind but it's gonna take me a while to get used to people seeing me have seizures and falling all the time. Hope that sentence wasn't to confusing. I had a bad day on Friday. Well it started out great. Some girls in my class made me cupcakes and brownies and cookies. The cupcakes said "hope your finger feels better." That was so sweet of them and that jus made the day more positive. I went to food science. I got all my courage up to talk to the girls in the group but dang nabit, stupid seizures. Now I have to do it tomorrow. Went to lunch and woke up on the grass. (we were sitting in the grass so not big deal. I hope people thought I was getting a tan.) Then me and my friend were walking to my next class and Boom. There Kari goes! Right in the middle to the hall way. Talk about embarrassing! Ya so anyway, back to church today. Well I had some during the sermon. I hope the people just thought I was deep in prayer or really reading my Bible. Had some in the lobby. And some during Sunday school. I tried to hold them back. It's just that when I hold them back I cant talk or sing or see or think. There's so much pain. And it's exhausting but I'm not passed out. So most times I just give into it cuz I can't hold it in anymore.  I hate it when there coming cause I just hate the darkness they bring. I come out of it and it's like a relief and the words "sorry" just come out of my mouth with me not even knowing it. I don't seem to apologize as much. There's nothing I can do about it so... Why do it? Well looks like I'm at the end. Love always, Kari Mat 3, 2010 I hate that moment when suddenly my anger turns into tears. I just keep telling myself "there just stupid kids" Well I don't know sticks and stone break your bones but words can never hurt me. Not sure how true that is. My mom keeps telling me "just 10 more days and then it's over" but still. I hear them whispering I see them stare. It hurt ok. Today hasn't been good. I try and hold them back as much as I can at school but it's exhausting and sometimes I can't hold it and give up. These ones I e had yesterday and today have felt like I have been flying in darkness. I guess that's better than just standing in darkness and I e always wanted to fly. I have very bad vertigo today and keep loosing my balance. I just feel like the ground is all squiggly and is going up and down like up and down a hill. Something you would see in a kids movie. My body is so out of controland I can't stop it.  I don't know if I've mentioned it but I have decided not to do to prom. :( my brother is here but is away for the night. I'll see him tomorrow. My aunts are coming next weekend. I'm excited but very upset that I can't go swimming. The week after that is my graduation. Whoo! Till next time... Love always, Kari

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